Synecdoche, 2008

Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it’s what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn’t really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved.

And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I’ve felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I’ve been pretending I’m OK, just to get along, just for, I don’t know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen.

Motherfucking cocksucker. Motherfucking shit fucker! What am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. But is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy's a sign, right? Because if he isn't... then nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore. Fucker. Fuck! Shit!

-Albert Markovski, I Heart Huckabees.

my life in 200 words or less. basically.

Ey Mate!

Heya, I'm posting this from my hotel room in Perth, Western Australia :D it's not a very big hotel, but it's cozy enough. The sound of the TV is blaring in the background, something about Uruguay and South Korea and their chances at winning the world cup. Mom's in the bathroom, while a box of chips is my only friend hahahaha

Aside from accompanying my mum while she's working, I'm also here to check out the universities, or maybe I should say, my future university? hahaha I hope so. The people I know recommends Curtin University. I think it's like ITB from Bandung, but I don't know haha I've been to the campus yesterday, and it was pretty nice.

But honestly, I have my eyes set on The UWA, or The University of Western Australia. It's like the UI from Australia, and it is one of the best universities in the world. But personally, I love the fact that it's right next to the lake. The fact that the building looks like Hogwarts helps too hahahah that picture above is the UWA actually. Nice, eh?

And then, when I said -a bit jokingly- that I wanna study journalism and photography, a friend from here recommends the Edith Cowen University. I guess it's like the IKJ of Australia, where future painters and artists meet :P

But really, I haven't ruled out ITB and UI or UGM yet. (that's assuming that I can get in one of them hahaha) Though one thing I absolutely love about Perth?

It's peaceful, almost no motorcycles, and cars aren't allowed to honk if it isn't a real emergency. And the people; they're so laid back. I love it. Jakarta's really metropolitan and the malls always close at almost midnight, while in Perth, they close shop at 6 PM. Then it's just the bars and coffee places that open. I love, love, love it.

(And also, my friend from here has a boyfriend and they spend their summer holidays together here and go on a wine tasting ranch or some weird rock spurting water mountain somewhere, and I wonder; if I had a boyfriend here, would I do the same thing? :P)

If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it heavy walls, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweler’s felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does.

- Everything is Illuminated, Jonathan Safran Foer

they say an end can be a start.
despite all my shortcomings, do you believe that all I had were good intentions?

I feel like I'm wearing a huge fluffy fur coat. people talk to that coat, they say nice things - sometimes bad- and while it was really good of them, the real me is inside that coat. I hear things, and I respond to it. But things that come out of my mouth, comes out of that coat differently. do you get what I'm saying?

What I say and what I feel are completely different things.

And though inevitable, it does make me sad that things are changing. For better or for worse.

Bali

Hey there, long time no blog again. I guess I'm feeling a bit better since my last post. I'm trying to see the world through a different point of view now :)

By the way, that image above is one of the photos I took in Tanah Lot, Bali. I know it was super cliche to go there, considering almost every tourist comes to that place, but it's my first time there, so I took a lot of photos anyway :p

This is my first time travelling alone. Which is very very exciting. I love being alone in airports and watching strangers pass by minding their own business. I love watching people rush around while I just sit there, reading a book or writing or something. At first I wanted to document every move I made in my notebook, but my laziness got the best of me hahaha

First day, I arrived and it was hot like hell. And I was wearing tights, which let met tell you, sucked ass. I ate with my mom's friend and changed clothes. I was staying in this house in Tabanan, which is an area located near mountains of rice fields. Very beautiful let me tell you.

this is the view from my room. It's on the second floor and it's kinda creepy at first. But with a view like this, who can complain? See the rice paddies there? It looks better close up ;)

Second day, I spent the whole afternoon reading Kafka on the Shore on the veranda. It was a 5oo pages or something, and I finished it in a day hahaha It was a powerful book though, and I found a lot of wisdom there. One of my favorite quotes was the book's last lines. Soo spoiler?

Anyways, I'll end this post here. Might write the rest of my story later. bye :)

You'd better get some sleep, the boy names Crow says. When you wake up, you'll be part of a brand-new world.

You finally fall asleep.

And when you wake up, it's true.

You are part of a brand-new world.

last lines from Kafka on the Shore