the last couple of months, I've been oddly pessimistic. Looking back at my older posts, I see something different. I was happy and wanted to share it in my blog. Now, most of my posts are about how tired and sad I am. And I wonder why.

I don't want this.

"Maybe," he said. "Maybe I can get some kind of happy ending."
"Not only are there no happy endings," she told him.
"There aren't even any endings."

-American Gods, by Neil Gaiman

(he's always been one of my favorite) :)

Kosong.

Mungkin, kita semua kurang bersyukur.
Lihat, kita diberi harta berlebih. Keluarga bahagia. Pendidikan layak.
Kenapa kita masih mengeluh?

Akhir-akhir ini rasanya sekolah lebih terasa kayak kandang dibanding tempat belajar. Harus jaga sikap, kalo nggak bisa dikeluarin; kayak ayam jago yang kurang ajar lama-lama gak dikasih makan sama pemiliknya sampe mati. Gak tau. Capek sekolah akhir-akhir ini. Untung ada mereka, untung ada dia. Bisa membantu sedikitlah :)

Pikiran di dalem kepala membludak. Nilaiulangankkmnaikkelaslaporanpraktekhafalanulanganosishitungantemanteman--------
berlanjut berlanjut berlanjut. sampe rasanya bingung harus mikirin yang mana duluan. Pening.

Rasanya pengen kabur, kemanapun. Lari. Escapism. Tinggalin hal hal yang ada disini, bikin hal hal baru disana. Refresh. Restart. Mulai dari awal tanpa kesalahan-kesalahan, karena kita udah berpengalaman sekarang. Di kepala tempat pelarian itu padang bunga matahari, padang rumput; bunga mataharinya setinggi dada kita, padang rumputnya sehijau surga. Atau apalah. Yang kayak di post card.

Lupain semuanya, peduli setan sama semua yang ada disini. Lepas.

Mungkin ini pemikiran yang salah, tapi ini yang udah lama dipikirin dalem kepala. Untuk masalah di sekolah, ya begitulah. Kalo mengutip six feet under; "once I get out of here, I will never come back." Dan ya, itu yang gue rencanain sekarang. Mungkin ke depan bakal berubah. Mungkin persepsi untuk sekolah ini bakal berubah.

In the meantime, I thank him, I thank my friends, I thank you for giving me a reason to stay, if only for a while.

Oh, Douglas

"Now - here is my secret:
I tell it to you with an openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again,
so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God -
that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem capable of giving;
to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love."

-Douglas Coupland (Life After God)


I guess I'm trying to change. Study more and pray more. Wish me luck :)