smileyface

well would you look at that.

my life is starting to get on the right track, and hopefully I won't lose my way this time. Exams exams exams and more exams coming riiiiight up, and this is it folks. The end of the line. The edge of high school. So excited to leave, yet not quite.

And this year, I will be eighteeeeeeeeeen bitchaz! I feel totally old. I guess I'm fairly legal to look at porn in some countries, eh? and drink alcohol maybe? :P I'm definitely qualified to drive a car, so that's equally cool.

But you know what scares the shit out of me? UNIVERSITIES. Will definitely work my ass off to achieve the best of the best. You have my word ;)

See? it's all good now.

half of it is because of you y'know. Yeah, hello you :)

they say an end can be a start.
despite all my shortcomings, do you believe that all I had were good intentions?

I feel like I'm wearing a huge fluffy fur coat. people talk to that coat, they say nice things - sometimes bad- and while it was really good of them, the real me is inside that coat. I hear things, and I respond to it. But things that come out of my mouth, comes out of that coat differently. do you get what I'm saying?

What I say and what I feel are completely different things.

And though inevitable, it does make me sad that things are changing. For better or for worse.

bye?

"I am a jumble of passions, misgivings, and wants. It seems that I am always in a state of wishing and rarely in a state of contentment."



The next few weeks are gonna be fucking hectic.
Might disappear for a while.


ps: we're into the second month today :) let's hope december's better than november ok?

HELLO THERE

i'd like to call them my fellow unbelievers. Or believers. idk. All I know is they share a similar way of thinking with me, which is nice of course. Introducing from left to right, Kresna Reja Bejo Dysa Me Kemal and Ahdan. Yeah the three of us ain't coming to that sanlat thing. Guess who.

NEW HEADER! keliatan banget ye cacatnya, tapi ini buah hati dan karya gue sendiri jadi gakpapa deh namanya juga baru nyoba. Masih belom puas tapi nih rasanya blog gue masih kurang warna....... atau gimanalah gitu. Nanti diakalin lagi deh.

Anyways, today is my one month anniversary with him. Nice to know that we haven't had any problems with our relationship so far yegak hahaha let's hope for the best aja ya buat ke depan.

Tapi tapi tapiiiiii besok dia dan angkatan gue pergi ke cigombong buat salam. Apa tuh salam? itu singkatan dari pesantren alam. Tujuannya sih memperkuat iman dan taqwa, katanya. Personally gue gak percaya ama ginian. Mau beriman ya harus dari diri kita sendirilah mana bisa gara2 dicekokin agama selama 3 hari terus secara ajaib jadi alim. Blah, society and their absurdity.

And I'm trying to post more photos in this blog to make things more colorful. Let's see if it works, shall we? Oh and I'm planning to change my url too if that's possible. Lately I'm into changes, idk why.

So my friends and my ♥, happy sanlat! Wish you guys a safe journey out there. I'll be chillin' here in Jakarta with my fellow unbelievers hahahaha

Aku

Hey, haven't blogged in a while. Akhir2 ini sibuk bgt ada ulanganlah, remedlah, midlah. SMA emang semua kayak gini atau sekolah gue aja sih?

First of all, I'm in love. or in like. Whichever you prefer hahaha to quote a pic I saw earlier this week; we might not now where this is going to take us but let us go hand in hand and find out together ;)

Anyway, It is now 11:15 PM dan besok gue ada mid fisika. Seharusnya gue tidur, tapi pikiran gue bener2 lagi penuh. Harus dikosongin dulu kalo gak bisa njelimet besok pas ngerjain vektor2an.
So. I've been thinking.

Who are we? Apa peran kita di dunia ini? Apa cuma sebagai konsumen yang ngabisin duit orang tua? sebagai tukang ngeluh kalo disuruh belajar? Kapan kita bisa bener2 berguna buat masyarakat? I'm not being snooty or anything; hell, I'm probably number one in the bitching about studying department. Tapi gue kadang2 mikir, apa guna gue buat orang2 di sekitar gue?

Sebagai teman, keluarga, kenalan, kakak kelas, adek kelas. Yes, I'm all of the above. Tapi gak mungkin cuma itu doang kan? Gue butuh sesuatu yang lebih. Gue ingin dibutuhin sama masyarakat luas dan gak cuma nebeng di orang tua terus2an. Karena kadang2 -dan akhir2 ini tambah sering- gue ngerasa gak berguna. Gue sekolah, gue ngeluh, gue males, gue makan, makan, makan, tidur, ulangin lagi, ulangin lagi dan lagi. Itu hidup gue. Untuk sementara ini cuma itu.

Mau jadi apa abis lulus? Ampe skrg gue belom bisa jawab. Dokter? FKUI, amin. kalo gak keterima yaudah, kalo keterima alhamdulilah. Tapi gue masih belom bisa bilang gue 100% commit untuk jadi dokter. Gue pengen belajar bisnis, gue pengen belajar desain, gue pengen belajar ngelukis, pengen, pengen, pengen, gak terbatas emang keinginan manusia. Liat aja sekarang, gue udah bener2 diberkahin, dikasih keluarga yang baik, berkecukupan, sekolah bagus, tapi tetep mengharapkan yang lain. This is me being an ungrateful brat. This is me being an honest ungrateful brat.

Entah kenapa gue akhir2 ini tertarik filosofi. Kira2 kalo kuliah majoring in philosophy gimana ya? Gue pengen nanya2, pengen konsultasi, tapi apa reaksi orang2 bakal mendukung? Jaman sekarang kuliah tuh yang jelas2 aja, yg masa depannya udah terjamin. Tapi filosofi bener2 menarik buat gue, mungkin karena gue sering ngelamun dan terlalu kebanyakan mikir, mungkin karena filosofi -menurut gue- mencerminkan gimana pola pikir filsuf itu sendiri. Menarik, tapi gimana ke depannya?

Gue tau bukan gue doang yang mikir gini, pasti semua orang jugalah. Tapi ini bener2 udah stuck di kepala gue sejak ngafalain rumus gerak parabola sampe sekarang, detik ini pas gue ngetik tulisan ini. Apa yang akan terjadi nanti? Apa gue masih hidup untuk ngeliat diri sendiri jadi individu yang berguna? Apa gue sempet bikin orang tua gue bangga? Gue akhir2 ini ngerasa hidup bener2 terbatas. Makanya akhir2 ini mungkin gue agak impulsive atau gimana.
Bulan lalu gue keilangan 2 orang yang cukup deket sama gue, meninggalnya deketan lagi. Gue bahkan dianggep sebagai anak sendiri sama salah satu dari mereka. Pas tau kalo beliau udah gak ada, gue bener2 nangis dan sedih dan mikir; it can happen to me anytime. to my mom, my dad, my friends. Mungkin kita ngerasa masih muda tapi apa aja bisa terjadi kan?

Bottom line is, God decides everything. Apa gue akan menjadi lintah yang ngisep2 dari orang tua terus atau gue akan jadi orang yang bisa membuat sesuatu, membuahkan hasil sesuatu yang bisa bener2 berguna buat orang2 lain. So where the hell is this life going to take me? I have no. Idea.

Sorry for this rambling whatever post, just skip it if you want. Ciao!

A Former God

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes ahh..."

-Jack Kerouac, On the Road.

It's the holidays now and I guess my reading phase is back again. I just started Neil Gaiman's American Gods, and maybe I'll tackle some Kerouac once I'm done. Anyway, life has been monotonous, and I think I've decided to put a stop on something that's been bugging the hell out of me since a few months ago. I just hope I won't slip again, god help me.

I've always wanted to do what Kerouac did. Just pack up and leave and travel cross country to try and find that missing something. The dream maybe. I don't know, I guess I feel lacking in experience. Freedom is a really hard thing to come by nowadays. I wanna feel it just for once in my life.
And yeah, I guess that quote say a lot about my preference. It's the mad ones I'm crazy about hahaha

btw American Gods is a very interesting read. Recommended.

whatever, I'm still waiting for my DVDs. ta ta

whuh?

I feel weird. Dari tadi gue ngerasa deg degan gelisah gak jelas kenapa. Padahal gue lagi asik2 streaming drama taiwan wakakaka dalam detik ini juga gue masih nungguin uwuwu ga sabar nih, emang dasar gada kerjaan aja gue, kasian ya. Anyway, tadi gue iseng2 buka twitter. Nothing new to tweet about, lagian gue lagi rada males baca bacain tweet orang. Terus gue buka facebook. Di home kan suka ada feeds dari orang2 gitu kan recent activity gitulah, nah nah nah

ada si ituuuu. Sebutlah si kumis deh hahahha I admit dari kemaren gue emang iseng2 buka fbnya, gada kerjaan ini, terus liatin foto fotonya. Agak stalkerish but whatever. My close friends must know by now that I like moustaches, it's my fetish if you will hahahhaa and a few minutes ago my weird feeling got even weirder when I saw his name. Like, kinda happy and squeeish and you know how it feels right? Almost everybody does.

Ngga tau ah. Gue ga kenal juga ya sama si kumis, cuma kenal nama dan tampang and I don't know him personally. But still, wow. It's nice to feel like this once in a while hahahhaa I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I guess this is what you call an infatuation, huh? Well whatever it is it feels good <3

ps: x doesn't change. My guess was right?

with a shit eating grin on my face,
Smitten